Alice Monday

[Written by Fluttershy around Dec ’19]

In response to http://homocursion.com/abuse-by-alice-monday/, here is my own experience with Alice Monday.

In early 2016 a housemate invited Alice Monday to the place I was staying, and a few people were talking about and reading my fanfiction with her. (There was one fanfic about, some ferrets guilting a vegetarian MLP-type pony into killing some animals for them to eat, and the pony feeling very conflicted but doing it anyways. And yes this was obviously a self insert of me, and a good window into my psychology at the time, with respect to me caring about animals but also caring about others’ opinions enough to be easily manipulated and me generally being traumatized all-around. And it being obvious to observers how omnidirectionally traumatized I was).

I am fuzzy on the details, but I was invited into the room and, Alice said my fiction was very good, and she was very warm towards me (I was very hungry for praise, in a way that people who haven’t processed their trauma often are), we talked a minute, I sat down maybe 18 inches from her, and then she initiated side to side cuddling without asking verbally. And like. I neither objected nor consented to this out loud, and sort of simultaneously enjoyed the sensation but also had the feeling, “ack I feel like I’m being pwned/manipulated, not good”. We did the same thing a week later, but consentually. About a month after the initial incident, I remember thinking, “this would legally be considered sexual assault and I have no idea how to feel about that, probably I’m just a shameful person and should realize I’m bad and creepy so it’s my fault?”

The really weird thing was like, two or so weeks after the first incident. At maybe 8 pm, Alice asked if I was free to hang out and if I had a bike, I was like yes and no respectively, she was like “meet me at these coordinates”. I misread them and went to the UC Berkeley clock tower, which was reasonably well lit and had like 5 people hanging around on different benches. Apparently she’d meant to meet at some dark uninhabited park like 0.5 miles from there. After me texting her and being confused about locations for maybe 15 minutes, she arrived at the clocktower on her bike, I waved, and she immediately biked away without waving or making eye contact. About 10 minutes later she texted me being like, “you’re scary” and then “go to Olivia [Schaefer], she can mediate”. We never spoke again.

And like, I spent a couple weeks thinking I was a bad scary male or something, having guilt about being the one to mess this up. Which was the real psychological impact, and that psychological impact was big enough for me to write this up. (I came out to myself as trans like, a month and a half later). I never figured out exactly what Alice was trying to do, but eventually chalked it up to using me for some nonconsensual prey fetish LARP thing, having decided that it was too much of a coincidence she got “scared” after the setup of trying to get me to meet her in a dark place without people.